That's enough now, internet.

I found a whole pile of graveyards sorting sites, today. I thought if I had the stomach for it I could sort through all of my odd, disparate, silly, self-pitying old places I have been to maybe get it all in a place. 

I thought for a minute I wanted to share myself. 

But there's so much in there I don't want to share. Some of that is shame. Some, maybe a lot. Some of it is just things I don't think anyone knows and they don't need to. 

And sadly I have written far more of it down than I care to or should-a. 

I found this on an old site - a list of things my wife would like to do in her life from over ten years ago:

learn how to knit

play chess

make a stained glass window

take a wine tasting class

go to italy

speak spanish fluently

visit the louvre

get a pygmy goat

have a fondue party

drive manual transmission

build a darkroom in my house

play piano

salsa dance in mexico

And there ain't nothing I know about trying to touch another person or know another person and just having that stain settle on me is poisoning. 

I was in for a couple of those things. I aim to help a few more of those come true. And I know I haven't done enough setting myself aside and working on her, so I missed a few. A few she doesn't much care about anymore. I never can keep pace. 

I guess the sting in all of it is how poorly I know how to love. How poorly I have approached love, with such poverty and such selfishness. 

I plan to schedule a fondue party and order the stuff for her to make stained glass and hope she still wants some of that. 

See, Jenny is my heart. It's such a tired thing to say, but she is. I'm bad at being me and so damned often it hurts us. And I couldn't begin to imagine a life without her. I fought her so hard and so long to end up here in this space where I have made marriage harder than it had to be when all along I just love her. I keep mistaking what I would do or what I think is good for me and applying it to her when none of that matters. I just need to help her be her.  

This was written on 4/30/19 but scheduled way in the future. I hope everything is better and I've learned a lot. I hope this doesn't make me cry.